The way you have mixed feelings about your parents is valid.
You might have loving parents, who love you with all their being but the mental illness that has established its roots in every bone of their body might try to grab you by the throat from time to time and you will see clear symptoms of the disorders that they have no idea even exist.
They might care about you, but being around them is constant emotional labour for you, because you can see the damaged parts that you can spend a lifetime repairing and yet they will drag you down with them.
Sometimes our parents have developed emotional manipulation strategies and techniques that worked for them to help survive their own traumas, but now those strategies are mentally exhausting you.
Your parents depression/anxiety, their unawareness about it, and the constant cloud of gloom over their head suffocates you and triggers your own mental illness no matter how much you want to help them you can't.
I want you to know that its okay to protect yourself, its not selfish to take some time apart from them. The love you have for your parents is still valid.
To create emotional gap between your parents just to save yourself because you know its too late for them to be saved is one of them most heartbreaking thing you will ever go through, but its alright.
I promise you, you are not selfish or ungrateful. You are not abandoning them. You are trying to make it through life without losing your sanity on the way in such a young age.
I know you are confused, its such a grey area between your love for them, guilt, anxiety, toxic attachment and emotional labour but you are not alone in this.
Your mixed feelings about your parents are valid.
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