Tough Times

 I remember after certain falls and events in my life, everything changed for me.

The pressure to keep things on track, to succeed became overwhelming for me.

That was the time when I lost my will to live. Life didn't seem exciting to me anymore. My paints dried and my sketchbook sat there gathering dust because there was absolutely nothing I wanted to do anymore.

I would go to sleep each night without planning anything for next day, because thats how life was, monotonous. I wasn't looking forward to anything exciting or different. Just going with the flow, not having any energy to change anything, or even plan to change it.

My family saw me eating junk in bed, piling on weight, not brushing my hair very often, nor leaving the room, living "out of my body", as if it was never my own.

"Whats even left to live for?" I questioned myself. Everything. You haven't lived a day.

What did I want to do? I asked myself. Was getting a degree in a field I never wanted to step in, getting a job where I would trade my days and nights for a salary that would vanish like thin air on things that I never wanted, was getting married, having kids and trying to survive what I wanted to do with life?

The answer was no, I wanted to be "happy".

I wanted to get a small house in a small town, where I would have a place to hang my coats, where I will get myself a dog. Where every neighbor would know eachother, and in the Spring we would walk eachother to the vegetable market down the street.

Where I would try recipes from my Cookbook and the kitchen will smell like fresh herbs, oranges and self-sufficiency, not like chocolate cake, Chinese food or love.

So I decided that I want to be here. I want to live. I was to wake up to make sure someday I live this life.

I told myself its okay if I fail the degree. Its okay if I don't get my dream job. Its okay I don't get married young.

I can work in a bakery, in a floral shop, or maybe as a writer somewhere.

Its okay if my relatives and friends don't think I succeeded if life, because I will be happy, I will have a Cookbook and a Dog.